When to Cut Ties With a Toxic Parent

Deciding to Mend or Cut Ties With a Toxic Parent

Childhood abuse — from a parent or anyone else — can lead to trauma that has long-term effects.

Data suggests that adults who experienced physical abuse as children may be as much as twice as likely to experience depression and anxiety, and are more likely to develop diabetes, cancer, migraines, arthritis, heart disease, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) than adults who were not physically abused as children, according to a study in the September 2022 issue of Aging and Health Research.

Other research suggests that the experience of emotional abuse as a child is associated with greater likelihood of depression and depressive symptoms as an adult, according to a study published in January 2020 in the journal Child Abuse and Neglect.

Spinazzola, who is also a traumatic stress researcher and adjunct professor at Richmont Graduate University, says that it’s always up to the survivor of abuse to decide whether or not to mend the relationship with the offending parent.

“Often, parents reach out wanting to mend the relationship,” he says. “It’s never the responsibility of an adult child to assuage the guilt of the offending parent(s) — whether or not to mend the relationship is up to the survivor, who has had choice, power, and safety taken away from them.”

Deciding to Mend Ties

One reason that an adult child might want to mend ties is if the lack of a relationship with their parents has left a void they can’t fill, Spinazzola says. “I’ve worked with lots of clients who spend their lives chasing the wrong romantic partners because, consciously or not, they’re trying to get their primary-caregiver needs replaced, while also getting their romantic needs met, and that’s a setup for failure.”

Healing a relationship with an abusive parent isn’t a guarantee that an adult child’s relational attachments will get healthier, nor is it a guaranteed remedy for other problems, but in some cases it can help.

In order for relationship healing to happen, Spinazzola says the following things are crucial:

1. The offending parent must acknowledge the harm they’ve done in the past.
2. The parent needs to have addressed (through therapy or other forms of treatment) any other issues that contributed to the abuse, like addiction, depression, or their own intergenerational trauma.

When Are You Better Off Cutting Ties?

Again, it’s entirely up to the adult child to decide whether or not to cut ties with an abusive parent, and that decision might change over time. Bassi and Spinazzola say that if the offending parent is exhibiting any of the following, it’s a sign that it might be best to cut ties:

• Being overreactive and easily irritated when you share your feelings and past experiences with them
• Refusing to acknowledge that they were abusive
• Centering conversations of healing around their own interests, like assuaging their own guilt
• Not respecting your opinion or differences
• Rarely showing empathy for you, or refusing to acknowledge your trauma
• Not respecting your boundaries even after you’ve told them repeatedly how you expect to be treated

It’s also possible that, even if your parent has good intentions and has addressed their own issues, continuing a relationship with that parent may still feel too triggering for you, Spinazzola says. If that’s the case, you have every right to cut ties. If you want to, you can process this in therapy with the help of a mental health professional and consider mending the relationship later (or not).

If you do end up cutting ties with a parent, remember that you’re allowed to reassess this in the future if you want to.

For example, if your parent is in a dire situation or has a terminal illness and you feel pressure to communicate with them, you might enlist the help of a close friend, trusted family member, or therapist to figure out if and how you could do that.

As the adult child of an abusive parent, it can be hard to process past trauma while also deciding how to move forward. Consider seeking help from a therapist, counselor, or other mental health provider if you’re struggling, Spinazzola says. It’s also important to note that even if you decide to neither mend nor cut ties with an abusive parent (whether that abuse was physical or emotional or both), a therapist or other mental health professional can help you work through any trauma you continue to experience, work on personal healing, and ultimately improve your well-being.