RA can complicate everyday life for couples, but there are ways partners can stay connected and support each other.
Communicate openly and check in regularly. Both partners need space to talk honestly about how they’re feeling — physically and emotionally. Chambers suggests setting aside time for weekly check-ins so concerns don’t quietly build up. One simple approach is to ask each other, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how are you feeling and how are you feeling about how we’re doing?” That kind of open-ended question can help get the conversation started and address potential issues early.
Listen to and validate each other’s feelings. Build a supportive environment where each partner feels heard and safe enough to be vulnerable, Chambers says. “You need to feel like teammates working against this external thing.” A study of 163 couples living with rheumatoid arthritis found that the way they coped together affected their psychological well-being and relationship quality. It was couples who practiced “dyadic coping” — or sharing stresses, problem-solving together, and supporting each other emotionally — that reported lower levels of psychological distress and better relationship quality.
Cocreate a new shared vision. Chambers says coming to terms with RA can involve a grieving and acceptance process as couples adjust to a new stage of life together. When they’re ready to, partners can begin “cocreating their new shared vision” — a new life they’re excited about from how they define success in daily life to what shared activities will look like. Make sure you incorporate some flexibility in planning, recognizing that symptoms and energy levels can change from day to day, he says.
Redefine what intimacy and connection look like. Fatigue and joint pain can sometimes make physical intimacy difficult, but that doesn’t mean couples have to lose closeness. “Intimacy doesn’t have to look a certain way. People forget small moments like holding your partner’s hand or putting your head on your partner’s shoulder … all of those are very intimate moments that still foster connection,” Crawford says. If you’re not in the mood because of symptoms, it’s okay to let your partner know, too, Crawford says. At times, they may feel like they’re unattractive when their partner may be going through a flare.
Practice compassion. When tension arises, Crawford says it can help to remember what may be driving those emotional reactions. “If a partner becomes irritable, withdrawn, or unusually quiet, it may be the stress or pain they’re going through rather than a deeper problem in the relationship,” Crawford says. Understanding that context can make it easier to respond with empathy, even when the situation feels difficult.
Learn about the disease together. Understanding RA can help couples develop more realistic expectations about what daily life might look like. Chambers says that educating yourselves about the illness by attending doctor appointments together can help align expectations with reality and reduce frustration. It also provides partners with an up-close understanding of their spouse’s disease.
Lean into a wider support circle. Connecting with others who understand the experience of chronic illness can help couples feel less alone. This might include patient support groups, caregiver networks, or trusted friends and family members, Crawford says.
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