How to Strengthen Romantic Relationships at Any Age
Staying connected and growing together with your spouse or long-term partner can help you better cope with whatever life throws your way at any age. Here are six tips for doing just that.
1. Remember What Made You Fall in Love With Your Partner
When you’re with someone for many years, you may stop seeing their positive qualities, and instead focus on all the things they do that are annoying or disappointing, says Jane Greer, PhD, a New York City–based marriage and family therapist and the author of several books on healthy relationships, including What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.
“I encourage couples to think back to why they first fell in love with each other and what they found so appealing and attractive about the other person,” she says.
“By remembering who that person was and how they made you feel, it can help rekindle desire and excitement.”
2. Get Curious About Your Partner
When you first fall in love with a person, you’re very curious about what they’re thinking and feeling, but couples who have been married for a long time can lose that, says Harville Hendrix, PhD, a couples therapist and a coauthor (with his wife, who is also a couples therapist) of Getting the Love You Want. “Curiosity is when I show interest in you as a person without it necessarily being driven by anything I need. It’s really important in a relationship — and it’s sexy,” he says.
When your partner is talking to you, instead of waiting for your turn to interject a story or comment of your own, Dr. Hendrix suggests really listening. Ask, “Can you tell me more about that?” Giving your partner your full attention makes them feel valued and safe, and promotes bonding between the two of you, he adds.
3. Respect Boundaries
Good boundaries are more important than ever given that work, school, and many other aspects of home life can all take place under one roof, says Hendrix. “If your partner is in the middle of something and you walk up to them and start talking — even if it’s to give them a compliment — the other person can view this as an interruption to what they were thinking or feeling,” he says.
If you want to decrease conflict and increase the chances that your partner will be open to what you have to say, check in with them first. “Start interactions by asking your partner, ‘Is now a good time?’ and give them a chance to respond,” says Hendrix. If they say no, respect that answer.
4. Shake Things Up — Plan Something New to Both of You
Although long marriages can mean years of shared experiences that bring you closer, there’s also a risk you’ll end up in a rut, says Dr. Greer. “If you’re always seeing the same friends and going to the same spots, changing things up can improve your relationship,” she says.
New experiences give you something to share and bond over, she says.
And in several studies, couples who shared exciting or new activities reported increased relationship satisfaction and sexual connection.
5. Ask for What You Want — but Nicely
“If you want something different from your partner, make a request,” Hendrix suggests. Whether it’s something simple like dividing household chores or more significant like how frequently you have sex, ask for what you want in a clear and direct way, says Hendrix. “This is more beneficial and easier to understand than being told you’re doing something wrong or that you need to stop doing something,” he says.
6. If You’re Not Happy Sexually, Talk About It
If one partner isn’t as interested in sex as the other person, if the times you feel desire aren’t aligning schedule-wise, or if sex feels less satisfying than it used to, don’t ignore the problem, Greer says. Talking to a professional, such as a sex therapist, can help you gain clarity about the situation and how it might be improved, she says.
“I would encourage the couple to try to be as clear as possible with each other in terms of what they each want. By being open and addressing the disparity, we can then try to bridge it,” says Greer. Each person should feel as though their sexual wants and needs are acknowledged before they begin work on what the solutions might be, she says.
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