How to Add BDSM to Your Relationship
If you’re looking to add BDSM to your sex life, experts recommend keeping these tips in mind.
Communicate Often
Experts say that communication is the first and most important step you should take before participating.
“The absolute first thing is to make sure both — or all — parties are on board,” says Shanna K. Kattari, PhD, an associate professor at the University of Michigan School of Social Work. “If one person is super stoked about adding in some kink but the other is against it or even just neutral, this is not the time or place to make this happen. Simply saying you want to try BDSM is not enough — the two of you will need to discuss what turns you on about the idea.”
And communication can’t stop there. In fact, discussions about what BDSM looks like in the relationship should be ongoing, says David F. Khalili, a couples therapist, board-certified sexologist, and founder of Rouse Relational Wellness in San Francisco.
Set Boundaries and Safe Words and Signals
“Establish clear consent protocols,” Khalili says. “Agree on safe words or signals before any activity. Everyone should feel empowered to pause or stop at any time. This builds trust and ensures the experience remains positive for both partners.”
When it comes to safe words, don’t underestimate the importance of having a plan established prior to things getting spicy, and make sure it’s not a word that could be easily used during play.
“The more you plan, the better the chances of having a safe and healthy BDSM session,” says Roos. “Many people have the idea of BDSM sex being spontaneous and that it just plays out, but that’s wrong. When it comes to BDSM, it’s actually kind of a paradox where the more you plan, the more you can improvise since you know the frames to act within.”
Experts agree that the conversations leading up to sex are key to maintaining a healthy BDSM relationship as it evolves and grows. Bonnie Scott, MA, LPC-S, a therapist and owner of Mindful Kindness Counseling in San Antonio, Texas, says that it might be beneficial to utilize a red, yellow, and green questionnaire to help narrow down what’s a definite no, definite yes, or maybe, and then compare your responses with your partner’s wishes. “BDSM comes in all levels of intensity, which means even those green ideas have to be discussed,” she says. “If you want to be restrained, that may not mean you want to be hog-tied; you might just be imagining a scarf or handcuffs. That’s why you’ve got to discuss and find your limits together.”
Practice Aftercare
After the session ends, experts suggest continuing the conversation, providing aftercare to each other to find out what worked and didn’t work, and to reconnect outside of BDSM.
“[Aftercare] is a way to seal the practice of BDSM, and it should not be skipped,” says Dr. Grey. “It sets people up for containment and emotional care after play, and builds connection and safety. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. If you start to struggle, are having a hard time with the come down, notice that you are fawning and not able to speak up, or have a flashback, see a trauma-informed sex therapist ASAP — don’t delay.”
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