“It’s helpful to know that a lot of people have some degree of social anxiety, but we can still be social,” says Ashley Arens, PhD, a psychologist and an assistant professor of psychology at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “We can learn to get better.”
Here, experts outline six strategies that might ease your social anxiety the next time you attend a gathering.
1. Create a 10-Minute Exit Plan
People with social anxiety may find they often want to skip social events they’re invited to, such as birthday parties or housewarmings. But you might feel more emboldened to attend if you have an exit strategy, says Susan Albers, PsyD, a psychologist at Cleveland Clinic. “With social anxiety there’s a lot of avoidance, so we talk about having a 10-minute exit plan: agreeing to go for 10 minutes and having a plan to leave after that if you want,” she says.
It doesn’t have to be overly complicated: You simply need to think through how you’ll excuse yourself if you need to leave the party. “When somebody has an exit plan, they feel a lot better because they’re not trapped,” Dr. Albers says.
In many cases, people with social anxiety realize they don’t need their exit plan after they’ve started mingling, she says. But it’s nevertheless an easy (and empowering) tool to keep in your back pocket that can help you take part in events you might otherwise skip.
2. Jot Down a Few Conversation Starters
Before attending an event, it can be helpful to think of three questions you might ask other guests, or three general conversation topics you might want to bring up, Albers says. For example, if you’re attending a party at someone’s home, you could ask another guest how they met the host, or you could bring up a recent movie or TV show you enjoyed and ask if anyone else has seen it.
“Sometimes the anxiety is just, ‘I don’t know what I’m going to say when I get there,’” Albers says. “Having a few topics ready to discuss helps with that anxiety.” Even if you don’t wind up needing them, their presence in your pocket can offer peace of mind.
3. Think Through the Worst-Case Scenario
If you’re nervous about attending a social event, it might seem counterintuitive to delve into your fears beforehand. But doing so could help you attend with confidence, Dr. Arens says. “We can identify and examine the fear under the anxiety. Some common fears for people with social anxiety are [that] we may embarrass ourselves or we’re worried we’re not going to have anything to talk about,” she says.
“But after we’ve identified what we’re actually worried about, we can examine that worry and reframe it. [Ask yourself:] Where is this worry coming from? Do [I] know for certain that the worry is going to come true? What would be the worst outcome if this actually happened?”
You can reflect on these questions in a journal or talk them over with a close friend, Arens says. The exercise may give you some perspective on the potential scenarios you’re worried about.
“When we reframe the worry, we can remind ourselves that what we’re worried about hasn’t even happened yet — and that maybe we’ll go to the party and have a great time,” Arens says. “[T]ake a step back and ask yourself if your worries came true [after the event]. More often than not, we realize the situations went better than we thought they might, and that helps us build confidence.”
4. Set Small Goals
Social anxiety can feel overwhelming if you try to conquer your fears in one fell swoop, Arens says. It can be more helpful to plan and execute baby steps that build on themselves over time.
“If your goal is to meet new friends, maybe you set a small goal of attending one new exercise class or club meeting and then challenge yourself to attend the same class or meeting the next week,” she says. “Then you work your way up to saying hi to somebody. Then you work your way up to asking them out for coffee.”
5. Visualize Yourself Enjoying the Event
“Your brain doesn’t really know the difference between imagination and reality,” Albers says. For this reason, it can be helpful to visualize yourself having a great time at the next social event you plan to attend.
Research backs this up. One small study of 80 nursing students found that visualization meditation, using a technique that asked a participant to imagine things they want in life, reduced anxiety and motivated them to achieve those goals. The study’s authors noted that visualization meditation directly impacts the autonomic nervous system (ANS), making the body believe there’s an external call to action (rather than your own thoughts), to which the ANS responds as if it were real.
“Close your eyes and see yourself walking through the room confidently,” Albers says. Playing this trick on your brain may put you at ease when it’s showtime.
6. Concentrate on Other People
Negative self-beliefs can exacerbate social anxiety and make it hard to attend social events. If these beliefs start to bubble up while you’re at a social event, you can counter them by shifting your focus to someone else.
“Instead of focusing on internal criticism, focus your attention outward — on making eye contact with the person you’re speaking to, on the conversation you’re having,” Albers says. “The biggest issue is changing the mindset and shifting the focus away from yourself.” This can quiet inner criticism and help you stay present and grounded while you’re socializing.
The Takeaway
- Social anxiety disorder is treated with medication and talk therapy, but a few small exercises before social events can also calm your nerves, whether you have the condition or not.
- Preparing conversation starters before an event, visualizing yourself enjoying the event, and creating an exit strategy in case you feel overwhelmed are all strategies recommended by experts to reduce social anxiety.
- Write down your specific fears to help yourself reframe your social anxiety — it may make it easier to attend social gatherings.
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