You’ve probably supported a family member or friend through a breakup, job loss, or painful rejection, but being there for someone in bereavement may feel like uncharted territory.
For one, grief after a death (known as a “primary loss”) is more severe and profound than grief following other losses (or “secondary losses”), says Erin Engle, PsyD, a psychologist at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital and Columbia University Irving Medical Center in New York City. Grief affects a person emotionally, cognitively, and physiologically; lacks a specific timeline; and often fluctuates and resurfaces for years. “It requires patience and a specific kind of support,” Dr. Engle adds.
Having family and friends to lean on can be extremely valuable for grieving people, but it can be hard for the supporters to know what to do or say.
In addition, death and grief are uncomfortable topics (even considered taboo to some), says Fiona Begg, LCSW, a clinical social worker and co-coordinator of the department of social work’s bereavement program at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. But, one of the most difficult parts about grieving is the isolation it can create, and when family, friends, and others avoid those in mourning, it can compound that, she says.
Every loss and grief experience is different — there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, nor is there a “one-size-fits-all” approach to grief support. These expert dos and don’ts offer general guidance to help you be there for a loved one in need.
1. Do Reach Out (but Keep It Casual)
When you first learn of a person’s loss, Begg recommends reaching out with a gentle check-in, like a text saying, “No need to reply, just thinking of you.” This lets the grieving person know you’re there for them, without pressure to carry on a conversation if they don’t feel up to it.
And don’t worry about reminding the grieving person of their loss — they’re already thinking about it, Begg says. “It lets them know that you’re okay with them talking about it and that you can tolerate that,” she adds.
2. Do Be a Good Listener
If your loved one is ready to talk, invite them to discuss their loss and listen carefully, without trying to interpret, analyze, or advise, says Sherman Aclaracion Lee, PhD, an associate professor of psychology and a grief researcher at Christopher Newport University in Newport News, Virginia. This alone can be therapeutic.
Being a good listener entails being attentive and focused to understand what the other person’s speech, body language, and facial expressions communicate. Try to put yourself in their shoes and get a sense of the feelings behind their words, without making assumptions or judgments. It’s also important to assure them that their emotions are valid and reasonable, Lee says.
3. Don’t Give Advice
There’s really nothing you can do or say that can take away the pain of a lost loved one, Lee says. “We can help in other ways, but the expectation that we can take away someone’s broken heart is too tall an order.”
Unless your loved one asks for it, giving advice — even if well-intentioned — is rarely helpful, Lee says. In fact, it can minimize their feelings, make them feel unsupported, and potentially fracture your relationship.
Lee says it’s important to know that simply being present with a grieving person can be a powerful form of support, even if neither of you says a word.
4. Don’t Use Platitudes
When you’re unsure of what to say, it can be tempting to quote a familiar cliché, such as, “At least they aren’t in pain.”
In some cases, stock phrases like “At least they’re in a better place,” or “Everything happens for a reason” may be connected to the griever’s spiritual beliefs, which could bring comfort, Begg says. But most of the time, such platitudes — along with others like “At least they lived a long life” — aren’t helpful.
“Overall, I would say these statements make the griever feel invalidated and dismissed in their pain, or that they’re not allowed to feel pain because death is something natural,” she says.
5. Don’t Compare Your Experience to Theirs
“You can’t really know what someone’s feeling — even within a group where everyone has a similar type of loss,” Begg says.
As such, comparisons like “At least he wasn’t sick long, like my uncle,” and phrases like “I know how you feel,” can feel dismissive, she explains.
Instead, she suggests saying something akin to, “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now” or “I can’t imagine the pain you might be feeling,” which acknowledges the magnitude of the situation without minimizing it.
6. Don’t Be Afraid of Tears
Often, witnessing strong emotions — like a burst of tears — can feel uncomfortable, Begg says. But it’s important to encourage your loved one to express their emotions and not suppress them. Saying things like, “Don’t cry,” may actually make a person feel as though it’s unacceptable or their feelings aren’t valid.
“We often don’t have tolerance for witnessing the people we care about in extreme pain, but you can show that you care by tolerating a space where you’re with them in that pain,” Begg says. “You can’t fix it, but you can be there and not leave them alone in it — that’s more important than anything you could say.”
7. Do Offer Specific, Practical Help
Although well-intentioned, blanket phrases like “Let me know if I can help” put pressure on the grieving person to come up with helpful tasks, and they may already be too overwhelmed for this, Begg says. “When you’re grieving, it’s hard to even begin to think about what you actually need or what might be helpful or delegating tasks, so specific offers are more helpful.”
Instead, offer clear-cut support. Some examples include babysitting, dog-walking, cooking a meal, or getting groceries. Some may also want assistance with “death admin” tasks, which can include canceling subscriptions, notifying agencies of the person’s passing, and organizing photos for a memorial.
8. Don’t Set a Timeline
“There are a lot of misconceptions, especially [about the] Kübler-Ross five stages of grief,” Begg says, noting that grief isn’t linear, nor is there a “normal” timeline. It’s important not to pressure someone to “move on” or use phrases like “You’ll feel better in a year,” as these can invalidate their pain.
In fact, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD — who originally described the stages for terminally ill people — later lamented that these phases have been widely misconstrued. While many grieving people experience the different stages, there is no “typical” response to loss, she wrote. “Our grief is as individual as our lives. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.”
9. Don’t Stop Calling After the Funeral
Support often diminishes after the funeral, which can leave grieving people feeling lonely and isolated, Begg says. “Suddenly it’s like, ‘Well, the funeral’s over and you’re back to work, so you’re fine, right?’ You go from feeling so supported to feeling like nobody remembers what you just went through,” she says.
Periodic check-ins throughout the year, especially ahead of potentially triggering dates like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, can be helpful. People may also continue to need practical help, especially if they’ve lost a partner.
10. Do Be Patient and Empathetic
In fact, the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory — a tool psychiatrists developed to measure stress-induced health risks — names a spouse’s death as the most stressful life event, above getting a divorce or going to prison. Losing a close family member is also among the top five.
Engle says it’s important to be patient and compassionate. “Ask yourself: ‘How might I cope with this experience of loss, if it were me?’ to cultivate a deeper sense of empathy and understanding, especially during times where patience thins.”
11. Do Know When to Suggest Professional Help
- Focusing on little else besides the death
- Intense sorrow, pain, and rumination that doesn’t diminish
- Difficulty accepting the death
- Intense, persistent pining for the deceased
- Feeling like life has no meaning
- Wishing for one’s own death as well
- Social isolation
- Feelings of depression, guilt, or self-blame
- Continued difficulty with everyday functioning
If you think your loved one might need professional help, gently explain that while you’re there for them, they may also find it helpful to talk with someone who’s an expert on grief, Begg suggests.
The Takeaway
- It can be tough to know what to say or do when someone you love is grieving, but simply listening and showing that you care can be a powerful form of support.
- Being patient and empathetic, avoiding platitudes or comparisons, and offering to help with specific tasks can also be valuable.
- If it’s been many months since your loved one’s loss and they are still struggling, experts recommend watching for signs of depression or complicated grief, and gently recommending that they get support from a therapist or other professional.
- Ultimately, everyone’s experience with loss is different, and if you aren’t sure what your loved one wants or needs, it’s best to avoid assumptions and just ask.
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