Maintaining a healthy relationship with your parents throughout your life can have meaningful benefits.
According to Pew Research Center, about 60 percent of people age 18 to 34 who were surveyed for a 2024 report relied on their parents for emotional support. And in a study of more than 200,000 people from diverse nations and backgrounds, the quality of the parent-child relationship affected adult children’s well-being more than several other factors, including where they lived, marital status, education level, and household income.
Still, sustaining a strong relationship with your parents can be hard. For one, we change as adults as we enter different life stages, says Naomi Bernstein, PsyD, a therapist and relationship specialist at Serenity Psychology in Dallas. “But sometimes our parents see our relationship as it was years ago, without allowing room to evolve.”
On the other hand, it may be difficult for adult children to acknowledge and accept the faults of their parents, says Sejginha Williams-Abaku, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the practice director of Personal Life Wellness Marriage & Family Therapy in New York and Connecticut. “Viewing parents fairly becomes harder if adult children have not forgiven their parents for past hurts or if parents haven’t taken accountability for things that didn’t go well,” she says.
Despite these challenges, here are five steps that family therapists recommend to keep your relationship with your parents strong.
1. Break Unhelpful Childhood Patterns
It can be hard to let go of unhealthy behaviors you adopted as a kid (maybe in response to unfavorable family dynamics), Dr. Bernstein says.
For example, if you felt like a parent constantly criticized you as a child, it can be hard to view them objectively as a person who is also living for the first time and doing their best, Bernstein says. As an adult, you might not be able to forgive that parent.
Or if a parent was overbearing when you were growing up, you might feel triggered when they get involved in certain aspects of your adult life, Bernstein says. It’s easy to react in the way you did as a child, by blurting out something emotional and running away, as opposed to having a deeper conversation that could lead to mutual understanding, she says.
Processing and regulating emotions can be challenging for people who grew up with helicopter parents, who were overly involved and overprotective of their children, according to an Italian study of 913 young adults. The study found that young people with helicopter parents were more likely to have mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.
It’s especially easy to slip into old patterns if you and your parents don’t discuss the effects of past behavior, Williams-Abaku says. Talking about these issues helps you address resentment that could interfere with your relationship and helps make sure that no one feels like they’re walking on eggshells, says Claudia Giolitti-Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Psychotherapy for Young Women in New York City.
How to Do It Breaking childhood habits and old patterns usually requires addressing the problem directly. If a parent treats you like a child, consistently reinforce that you are an adult, says Giolitti-Wright. Try saying something like, “I appreciate that you want to help me, but I’m an adult.”
You can also be more specific, Bernstein says. You could say, “I feel criticized in these situations, and then I take that into my other relationships. I value your opinion, but I need to figure this out alone.”
Also try demonstrating your maturity by avoiding angry outbursts. To do this, prepare for interactions with your parents by telling yourself, “I know they will do this, and I can handle it.” This mindset can help you take a deep breath instead of snapping back or storming off, Bernstein says.
2. Make Time for Conversations to Find Common Ground
Cultural and generational expectations can cause parents and adult children to have different beliefs. For example, in some cultures, older generations believe that the purpose of having children is to have someone care for parents, Williams-Abaku says. “But younger generations might disagree, causing a rift,” she says.
Intergenerational trauma (when one generation passes down the effects of their traumatic experiences to the next generation) can also impact a family’s ability to understand members’ different views.
One way to navigate these disagreements is to share your perspective with your parents and try to understand theirs.
How to Do It Active listening — which involves focusing on what someone is saying without making assumptions, reiterating what you heard, and asking for clarification — can help with these conversations.
After listening to your parent explain their feelings about a contested topic, Williams-Abaku suggests confirming your understanding by saying something like, “I know you believe this because of X, and I understand why you believe that.” Depending on the situation, you could add, “Because of Y, I believe this different thing.”
Or you might connect with your parent by focusing on what you have in common. Williams-Abaku recommends saying something like, “Family is important to you, and it’s important to me, too. I’d love to hear more about how that became important while you were growing up.”
Inviting your parent to elaborate on their experiences can help you be more empathetic, patient, and thoughtful in your interactions.
3. Do Something Together That You Both Like
If direct conversations feel intense, you may want to start by spending more quality time together doing things you both enjoy. “New rituals — like a shared hobby, monthly lunch, or watching the same show and debriefing it — can rebuild trust and prevent conversations from getting defensive,” Giolitti-Wright says. This strategy can also reinforce your position as a fellow adult, Williams-Abuku says.
How to Do It During shared activities, you might find natural ways to express that you want to spend more time together and talk more. Williams-Abaku suggests saying something like, “I really appreciate this time, and I would love for us to start having these adult-to-adult conversations more often.”
4. Set Boundaries
How to Do It Giolitti-Wright says that you might tell your parent, “I know you mean well, and I love you for that, but it’s not helpful for me when I get advice I didn’t ask for. I’d rather just vent today. Can we do that?”
Or if a parent is asking you to help them around the house every night, she says you might try this: “I’m still trying to build a career and relationships at this point in my life, and I can’t do that by being there for you at all times.”
Bernstein notes that you may experience some resistance, particularly if your parent still treats you like a child. It’s important to acknowledge your parents’ feelings when setting a boundary, she says. For example, you can say, “I understand how this boundary makes you feel pushed away. I’m not trying to do that, but this is what I need.”
Explaining the impact of your parents’ behavior is another strategy, Bernstein says. You can say, “I value your opinion, but I feel criticized in this situation. When I feel that way, I take it into my friendships. I know you care about me, but I need you not to be so critical so that I can find my own way.”
Using “I statements” instead of constructions like “You always do X” avoids assigning blame. This can help prevent defensiveness.
In situations involving verbal, physical, emotional, or substance abuse, you may need to set a stricter boundary, Bernstein says. For example, you might say, “I’m not going to be around you because your behavior negatively impacts me. When you get help or I see a pattern of you respecting my boundaries, we can have coffee and see how it goes.”
5. Get Professional Help
Getting professional help is particularly important if your relationship with your parents negatively affects your emotional or psychological well-being, self-esteem, or ability to connect with others. It may also be wise if your parent struggles with addiction or mental illness, views you as an extension of them, or repeatedly ignores your boundaries, Williams-Abaku says.
How to Do It Individual therapy can help you process any issues that you’re struggling with and can provide an outlet to role-play healthy communication techniques.
Alternatively, you might consider family therapy if your parent is willing to participate. “It can be helpful when an adult child sees a parent trying to understand boundaries and having difficulty because of generational differences,” Williams-Abaku says. In these cases, she suggests seeking a professional who is from the parent’s culture or generation.
The Takeaway
- Having a healthy relationship with your parents can benefit your mental and emotional well-being.
- Effective communication, setting boundaries, and understanding each other’s perspectives may help strengthen your bond.
- It’s also important to break out of childhood patterns and engage with your parents as a mutual adult.
- If you are struggling to connect with your family in a healthy way, consider seeking help from a counselor or therapist.
Read the full article here
