Managing the Emotional Fallout
In some cases, your diagnosis may not come as a surprise — often adult children may already sense that something has changed, especially if you live near each other or talk often.
But that does not mean they will react the way you hope or expect, at least at first — and that’s okay, says Williams.
“If you have more than one child, each one may have a different response. One child may feel relieved to have an explanation for your behavior, while another may insist nothing is wrong,” she says.
Denial may come as outright refusal to accept the situation, but it can also look like reassurance.
“You may hear, ‘You’re fine,’ ‘Everyone forgets things,’ or ‘Your memory is better than mine,’” says Williams. While that reaction may be normal, it can also be painful if you’ve worked hard to get evaluated and accept the diagnosis, she says.
If your child gets angry, it may be due to the fear, shame, embarrassment, or stigma that still surrounds dementia, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, says Williams.
“If your child is upset, you might say, ‘Whatever you’re feeling right now, I want you to know that I love you, and I’m telling you this because I was worried and wanted you to know,’” she says.
Grief is also a normal response, even in early-stage disease. “Your child may grieve the future they imagined with you — the role you would play in their lives or the lives of your grandchildren,” says Williams.
The desire to fix the situation may come from love, too. Your child may start suggesting appointments, moving plans, medication changes, driving limits, financial oversight, or home-safety changes before you are ready to discuss them.
If the conversation becomes too much, you do not have to push through. Williams recommends giving yourself permission to stop before the discussion becomes overwhelming or unproductive.
“You can say, ‘That’s all I really need to talk about for today. Let’s go have lunch.’ Let them know you don’t want to discuss it anymore,” says Williams. The conversation can continue later once everyone has had more time to process the diagnosis, she says.
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